COMPUTER/ENGINEER JOKES

COMPUTER/ENGINEER JOKES

A RENECK GUIDE TO COMPUTER LINGO

'Hard drive' -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires

and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

'Keyboard' ---- Place to hang your truck keys.

'Window' ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.

'Floppy' ------ When you run out of Polygrip.

'Modem' ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.

'ROM' --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

'Byte' -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.

'Reboot' ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with

barnyard stuff.

'Network' ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

'Mouse' ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in

order to get a free case.

'LAN' -------- To borrow as in, 'Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.'

'Cursor' ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife

and/or girlfriend.

'bit' --------- A wager as in, 'I bit you can't spit that watermelon

seed across the porch longways.'

'digital control' -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

'packet' ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a

trip.

COMPUTER INDUSTRY

'the computer industry always seemed like it was moving fast to

outsiders, but if you were in the business it was like flying in a 747:

While the people on the ground saw you doing 600 miles per hour, you

were in fact perfectly at ease inside the plane.' --John C. Dvorak, PC

Magazine, December 17, 1996

CARS vs. COMPUTERS

When Silicon Valley wants to look good, it measures itself against

Detroit. The comparison goes like this: If automotive technology had

kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would

now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of

10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30

pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the

sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.

In response to all this goading, Detroit grumbles: Yes, but would you

really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?

'How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program'

by Dave Barry

from his new book 'Dave Barry In Cyberspace'

1. Examine the software packaging until you find

a little printed box that explains what kind of

computer system you need to run the software.

It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS

2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER

628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM

719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE

3546 MB RAM

432323 MB ROM

05948737 MB RPM

ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM

2 TURTLE DOVES

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will

contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and

troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of

either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or CD-ROM, located inside a

sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:

By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the

terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as

well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret

Membership Oath of the Benevolent

Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms & conditions, real and

imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate,

including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard

drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it

or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's

early light, finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great

crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say,

'(Name of child), please install this on my computer.'

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in

the appropriate drive, type 'SETUP' and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type 'SETUP' and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after

which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system

to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable.

Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:

| YES | | SURE |

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and

whirring for a very long time while the installation program

does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can

actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done,

your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device,

such as a food processor.

At the very least, the installation program will create many

new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your

hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with

names like 'puree.exe,' 'fester.dat,' and 'doo.wha.'

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should

display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your

computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If

you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of

breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately

*!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional

than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck

with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on

the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will

explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt

a child aged 3 through 12.

Our Hard Drive

Which art internal

Volume C be thy name;

Thy code be clean,

Thy fonts be seen

On screen as they are on paper.

Give us this day our documents,

And lead us not into fragmentation

But deliver us our data.

For thine is the SCSI,

And the EISA, and the NuBus,

Forever and Ever,

Amen

TOP TEN CEO CANDIDATES FOR APPLE

Who's the new Gil? We have the secret list of the top ten

candidates to fill the coveted (well) slot of Apple CEO:

10. Steve Jobs: saves on relocation

9. Russian space program administration team: good at keeping

a rusted hulk in operation

8. Ralph Nader: champion of the lost cause

7. Bill Gates: mmmbreakfast!

6. 'Spamford' Wallace: really good at marketing

5. Mike Tyson: just the man to take a bite out of Microsoft

4. P.T. Barnum: you figure it out

3. Mars Sojourner: artificial intelligence couldn't do worse

2. Ratbert: everybody gets a new cube!

1. Guy Kawasaki: the last true believer

OFFICIAL COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT QUESTIONAIRE

1. Describe your problem:

2. Now, describe your problem accurately:

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of your problem:

4. Severity of the problem:

a. Minor ___

b. Minor ___

c. Minor ___

d. Trivial ___

5. Is the computer plugged in? Yes ___ No ___

6. Is the computer turned on? Yes ___ No ___

7. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes ___ No ___

8. Have you made the problem worse? Yes ___

9. Have you read the manual? Yes ___ No ___

10. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes ___ No ___

11. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No ___

12. Do you think you understood the manual? Yes ___ No ___

13. If 'Yes,' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

14. How tall are youare you above this line?

15. What were you doing with your computer when the problem

occurred?

16. If 'nothing,' then explain why you were logged-in:

17. Are you sure you are not imagining this problem?

Yes ___No ___

18. Describe how this problem makes you feel:

19. Describe your troubled childhood:

20. Do you have any independent, RELIABLE witnesses to this

problem?

No ___

21. Can't you find something else to do besides bothering me?

Yes ___

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks

his dossier and says, 'Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong

place.' So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort

in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a

while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,

and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,

'So how's it going down there in hell?' Satan replies,, 'Hey, things

are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and

escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to

come up with next.'

God replies, 'What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake --

he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.'

Satan says, 'No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm

keeping him.' God says, 'Send him back up here or I'll sue.'

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, 'Yeah, right. And just where

are YOU going to get a lawyer?'

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a

chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.

The car breaks down.

'Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down

the engine before we can get the car working again,' says the mechanical

engineer.

'Well,' says the chemical engineer, 'it sounded to me as if the fuel

might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.

'I thought it might be a grounding problem,' says the electrical

engineer, 'or maybe a faulty plug lead.'

They all turn to the computer engineer, who had said nothing: 'Well,

what do you think?'

'Ummm--how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?'

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the

young programmer, 'And what starting salary were you looking for?'

The programmer said, 'In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on

the benefit's package.'

The HR Person said, 'Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks

vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching

retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -

say, a red Corvette?'

The programmer sat up straight and said, 'Wow!!! Are you kidding?'

And the HR Person said, 'Certainly, but you started it.'

The Top Signs You're Hopelessly Geeky

14> Your screen saver: 'Deep Blue Kicks Ass!'

13> You spend hours prioritizing your list of questions you'd like

to ask Commander Data if you ever meet him in person.

12> At the local Radio Shack, you're greeted like Norm at Cheers.

11> You're the head A/V technician on a space ship behind

Hale-Bopp.

10> You receive a grant from the International Plaid Foundation.

9> You're 42 years old and you use the word 'Wookie' at least a

dozen times a day.

8> Slim Jims and Ding Dongs form the base of your nutrition

pyramid.

7> Seven years, $60 million, and your new high-tech house still

ain't done.

6> You have electrical tape holding your contact lenses together.

5> You prefer to be thought of as an 'artist who works in the

medium of ASCII.'

4> Discussions with your friends about the properties of dilithium

crystals routinely lead to fistfights.

3> Your favorite Marx Brother? Zeppo.

2> You're not geeky at all, and neither are your kids: McCoy,

Sulu, Uhura, and Scotty.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Hopelessly Geeky

1> You know how to say, 'I can't go swimming -- I've eaten less

than 2 hours ago.' in 5 languages.

'Justification for higher education'.

In answer to the eternal question 'Is it better to be a jock or

a nerd?', I submit the following:

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute,

assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.

Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making

$178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night

while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make

$18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while

boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would

take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money,

they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but

will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into

his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500

for

such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made,

you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the

Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is

being run.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his

trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past

presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

BUT:

JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO

HAVE A

NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE!

What if people bought cars like they buy computers?

General Motors doesn't have a 'help line' for people who

don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like

they buy computers --but imagine if they did

HELPLINE: 'General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?'

CUSTOMER: 'I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing

happened!'

HELPLINE: 'Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?'

CUSTOMER: 'What's an ignition?'

HELPLINE: 'It's a starter motor that draws current from your

battery and turns over the engine.'

CUSTOMER: 'Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have

to know all of these technical terms just to use

my car?'

HELPLINE: 'General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?'

CUSTOMER: 'My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go

anywhere!'

HELPLINE: 'Is the gas tank empty?'

CUSTOMER: 'Huh? How do I know?'

HELPLINE: 'There's a little gauge on the front panel, with

a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where

is the needle pointing?'

CUSTOMER: 'I see an 'E' but no 'F'.'

HELPLINE: 'You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

CUSTOMER: 'No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE: 'A 'V'?!?'

CUSTOMER: 'Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then

a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' '

HELPLINE: 'No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car.

When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's

the panel I'm talking about.'

CUSTOMER: 'That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round

thing that honks the horn?'

HELPLINE: 'Yes, among other things.'

CUSTOMER: 'The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?'

HELPLINE: 'It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor

and purchase some more gasoline. You can install

it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for

you.'

CUSTOMER: 'What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell

me that I have to keep buying more components?

I want a car that comes with everything built in!'

HELPLINE: 'General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?'

CUSTOMER: 'Your cars suck!'

HELPLINE: 'What's wrong?'

CUSTOMER: 'It crashed, that's what went wrong!'

HELPLINE: 'What were you doing?'

CUSTOMER: 'I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the

accelerator pedal all the way to the floor.

It worked for a while, and then it crashed

-- and now it won't even start up!'

HELPLINE: 'I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility

if you misuse the product.'

CUSTOMER: 'Misuse it? I was just following this damned

manual of yours. It said to make the car

go to put the transmission in 'D' and press

the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what

I did --now the damn thing's crashed.'

HELPLINE: 'Did you read the entire operator's manual

before operating the car sir?'

CUSTOMER: 'What? Of course I did! I told you I did

EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't

work!'

HELPLINE: 'Didn't you attempt to slow down so you

wouldn't crash?'

CUSTOMER: 'How do you do THAT?'

HELPLINE: 'You said you read the entire manual, sir.

It's on page 14. The pedal next to the

accelerator.'

CUSTOMER: 'Well, I don't have all day to sit around and

read this manual you know.'

HELPLINE: 'Of course not. What do you expect us to do

about it?'

CUSTOMER: 'I want you to send me one of the latest

versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!'

HELPLINE: 'General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?'

CUSTOMER: 'Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose

your car because it has automatic transmission,

cruise control, power steering, power brakes,

and power door locks.'

HELPLINE: 'Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?'

CUSTOMER: 'How do I work it?'

HELPLINE: 'Do you know how to drive?'

CUSTOMER: 'Do I know how to what?'

HELPLINE: 'Do you know how to DRIVE?'

CUSTOMER: 'I'm not a technical person! I just want to go

places in my car!'

Please Scan Your Computer For The Following Viruses:

1.) OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB Hard Drive suddenly shrinks to 80

MB

then slowly expands back to 200 MB.

2.) AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what GREAT service you

are getting.

3.) MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying

too

much for AT&T virus.

4.) PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around.

It

warn you of impending hard disk attack: Once if by LAN; twice if by

C.

5.) POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a 'virus',

but

instead refers itself as an 'electronic organism'

6.) ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just

before it all QUITS.

7.) ARNOLD SHCWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays

residentit'll

be back.

8.) GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works but all your diagnostic

software says everything is just fine.

9.) FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of

little units, each of which does practically nothing, but ALL of

which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

10.) TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it is bigger than any other file.

11.) ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

12.) OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

13.) JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

14.) HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system all day, finds nothing wrong,

sends you a bill for $4,500.

ENGINEERS

Introduction

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be called one.

The word 'engineer' is greatly overused. If there is a question of

classification as an engineer, give this test to discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.

You

A. Straighten it.

B. Ignore it.

C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered,

self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the

inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is 'C' but partial credit can be given to anybody who

writes 'It depends' in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole

stupid thing on 'Marketing.'

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

'Normal' people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social

interaction:

*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation

*Important social contacts

*A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to 'normal' people, engineers have rational objectives for social

interactions:

*Get it over with as soon as possible.

*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.

*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of

two categories:

(1) things that need to be fixed, and

(2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes

to play with them.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems available,

they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand

this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough

features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what

it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a

shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make

showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of

sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic

thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no

appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no private parts

are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has

been met. Anything else is a waste.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ

various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression

of attractiveness. By definition, engineers are incapable of placing

appearance above function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely

recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable,

employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that

many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal

people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing

engineerlike children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing

their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than

normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties

to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible

men in technical professions:

* Bill Gates.

* MacGyver.

* Etc.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain

that way until their clinical death.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human

relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from

customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the

truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that

sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be

expected to believe them. An incomplete list of engineer lies is listed

below.

'I won't change anything without asking you first.'

'I'll return your expensive and hard-to-find cable tomorrow.'

'I have to have new equipment to do my job.'

'I'm not jealous of your new computer.'

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or

mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a

problem in optimization, that is, 'How can I escape this situation

while retaining the greatest amount of cash?'

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability

to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything

else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be

pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas

have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody

with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer

programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if

he or she snaps out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This

is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake

the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. Have you ever

noticed that when a technical goal is reached it's called a 'scientific

achievement',

but when it doesn't it's called an 'engineering failure'?

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

* Hindenberg.

* Space Shuttle Challenger.

* SPANet(tm)

* Hubble space telescope.

* Apollo 13.

* Titanic.

* Ford Pinto.

* Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent

people.

REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and

rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to

avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible

for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the

engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: 'It's technically

possible but it will cost too much.'

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

* How smart they are.

* How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare

that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an

unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is

sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges

quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws

of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a

problem. (Other times just because they forgot.)

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that

somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that

knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an

engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means

it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance

at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something

along these lines: 'I'll ask Jim to figure it out. He knows how to

solve difficult technical problems.'

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand

between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the

problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

NT Chicken:

Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken:

It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that

nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken:

You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it

and it still tastes like chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM):

It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the

road.

OOP Chicken:

It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken:

First it builds the road

C Chicken:

It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken:

The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer

to him on the other side.

VB Chicken:

USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken:

The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other

side.

Java Chicken:

If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will

download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken:

Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken:

Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken:

Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it

across the road in your pocket !

Cray Chicken:

Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in

liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken:

The chicken is distributed probabalistically on both sides of the

road until you observe it on the side of your choice. Having

done that, you can never know the speed with which it crossed the

road.

Lotus Chicken:

Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do !

Mac Chicken:

No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the

road, so there's no way to tell it to.

COBOL Chicken:

0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.

IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN

PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD

VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL

ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE

ELSE

GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

PGP Chicken:

Disguises itself as road-kill and then crosses. The only chicken

classified by the government as a munition. (Other than (dead)

chickens fired out of catapults at airplane cockpit windows to

simulate bird collisions. I am not making this up.)

Intel Chicken:

Keeps making the road smaller and smaller. At the limit would

become a Quantum Logic Chicken.

Micro-Channel Chicken:

Tried to establish a proprietary road to cross, but got run over

by a VL bus.

Al Gore Chicken:

Waiting for completion of NCI (National Chicken-crossing

Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming

he's re-elected and the Republicans don't gut the program.

Tipper Gore Chicken:

Will only cross if the other side has complied with parental

advisory labeling standards.

Hillary Clinton Chicken:

No longer wants to appear so independent in public as to cross a

road by herself -- will only cross when accompanied by her

husband or daughter, or if there's a school on the other side.

Hillary Rodham Clinton Chicken:

The risks we all face crossing the road are the reason we need

health reform.

Bill Clinton Chicken:

He's already switched from one side of the road to the other so

many times there's no point trying to track him any more.

(See also Quantum Logic Chicken.)